I’ve been cheering on Gavin Newsome’s memes and posts of late. Have you? When he said, “We’re fighting fire with fire,” I felt relief, a blast of exuberance through my cells, with the thought “finally someone is doing something that’s actually having an impact!” A moment of power to counteract the vast helplessness I’ve felt permeating my experience of U.S. politics.
As I reflect on this, I notice how similarly I feel when my team (be it one I’m playing on or rooting for) wins or loses. It’s that burst of energy from being the victor, how it infuses my body, brings me upright. Or that drain, drain, down through my toes, when I–or we–have lost.
My Reactive Brain has been telling me the story that the best I can do is just make it through the next 14 months, crossing my fingers that democracy will stand, there will, indeed, be another election, and this time my side will win. My skepticism of the reliability of my “Below the Line” stories, however, nudged me to go deeper, to wonder, what really is the lesson of this time? What in the world has our collective level of consciousness–the current, objective results our species’ has generated–been trying to push us to evolve to?
As I pull myself away from the adrenaline-fueled thrall of the world stage, and take a big breath, I don’t believe the message is that we have to get better at winning. While we could dump precious resources of time, money, vitality, and creativity into–one more time–bringing the “other side” to its knees, forcing it to bow down to “our” values, I think it’s high time to look beyond this old, tired paradigm.
One of the many gifts of this challenging time is to understand, deeply, thoroughly, cellularly, how drawing on external sources of power is an addiction. Be it connecting our energy cord to the “leader of the free world,” or to our social status, or to how much someone else loves or approves of us, or to the next hit of heroin or dopamine, the result is the same as with all addiction: We become dependent on the source. Which turns into having to spend much of our focus on controlling the availability of that source, giving ourselves hits to keep ourselves going. “I voted for the winner” or “look, everyone, at my beautiful car/home/family” or “please don’t go! I”ll do anything to keep your love” or “where’s the chocolate/meth hit/Facebook feed??” are all indicators of our dependency on something outside of us to keep us up or down, charged, fueled, or chill enough to be able to handle life.
My great friend, Gayle Colman, wrote a blog today that referred energy as her “most precious asset.” Gayle is a master of resource allocation, focusing her work on how we relate to money. Her words have been ringing through my body all day, as I’ve sorted through the questions of: How am I spending my energy? Where am I drawing it from? And (a favorite, though breath-taking question), what have I been unconscious about?
Being a concrete thinker who likes to measure what I can, I started a grid. (I suggest you do the same): Here’s what I found:*
As I stared unflinchingly at this grid, my unconscious drifting was impossible to ignore. First, I frankly had no idea I’ve been such an addict of external power. To be clear, I’m not judging this. Food, relationships, and a sense of control are obviously part of anyone’s daily existence. But it’s clear that some of what’s on this list is truly nourishing, while other things are not. And, keeping some of the externals in the “positive” column means I have to do a lot to manage what’s out there. When it all flips to the “negative” my body drains life energy like a bathtub with its stopper removed.
What is also obvious is where my real fuel originates. First, my internal sources–and drains–of power are clear and, even better, places I have direct control over. Seeing this all laid out is a neon light exhibit of “JULIE! OVER HERE!!! HERE’S WHERE YOUR ONGOING ENERGY STREAM COMES FROM!!”
Finally, the “Oneness Sources,” that is, those times when my self blends into the larger field of all that is, is larger than what I thought. And they aren’t limited to what I would have characterized as spiritual; they can be found right here in this realm of the third dimension, if I’m looking for them. And, while I’ve believed that my daily practices of connecting to all that is through prayer, meditation, and communing with nature are important, now I see how they are essential, feeding me in the most fundamental, cellular ways.
What do you see in your grid? Any surprises?
As with any addiction, there is a range of ways to be in recovery with an addiction to external power. I know you’ll find your own path. Facing into what is currently most true for you by drawing your own grid might be a first step. Deciding what you really want might come second, and committing to that can be a third. Then it’s all about recommitting–as many times as it takes.
For me, I love feeling energized, thrive on the sense of all of me being available to engage with what life brings my way. I commit to energy efficiency, to firing up those places that nourish and empower me the most, being so fascinated by those that the external sources that don’t actually do much for me can recede from importance.
Oh, and I’d love support in this venture. Want to be part of my recovery community?
*This is by no means an exhaustive list; I’ve already thought to add in: movement/dance, massage, medicine, a really engrossing TV show, novels…
With great blessings and respect,
Julie