6 Ways to Not Lose Your Mind (and Your Sense of Self) over the Holidays
“tis better to give than receive.”
Where did I first hear these words?
I have no idea; I have more of a sense of them permeating my cells. Christianity and the message of suffering laid the groundwork, but what really brought them home was absorbing the young girl education of the Sixties’. Movies like “Pollyanna,” and the big nun media invasion (“Sound of Music,” “The Singing Nun,” “The Trouble with Angels, and of course, “The Flying Nun”) made an indelible mark on this non-Catholic girl’s sense of morality. (I’d try to list the TV shows that taught me how to be a selfless woman, but truly, they are too numerous and somewhat nauseating to consider.)
My child brain translated this cascade of images into this conclusion: to be a good person one must give more, take less. Even now that sounds reasonable as a moral code: give back to the earth more than we take; offer more into a relationship than I expect in return; in general, offer my open hand to offer support instead of clutching and grabbing.
And yet.
n practice, my life ended up looking pretty much the same as my mother’s and that of most other women I saw (and still observe). I “gave” beyond my own boundaries to the point of resentment and exhaustion. I viewed my personal needs as signs of selfishness and self-absorption. I felt anxious, depressed, and unhappy. My mom’s reliance on drugs and alcohol for comfort thankfully wasn’t my path, but looking to sugar, food, and workaholism was. Ultimately, I shared her big question: what was the point of life if it was so unsatisfyingly difficult?
As we step into Thanksgiving and the holidays, this “season of giving,” it is a good time to reconsider what messages we have absorbed. Gearing up for the cultural pressure to shop, host, cook, feed, and spend our financial, physical, and emotional energy…how about recalibrating our own relationship with giving and receiving?
This could be a place for me to bring out the Victim/Villain/Hero Triangle (and talk about the seduction of the Hero position), but that’s a blog for another day. Today, I’m going in a new direction:
Giving is receiving
This is not me wanting to persuade you to try even harder to be “better” by giving. Quite the opposite, really. The idea that giving and receiving are the same thing can be woven into what I’ve taught before about the Inner Map. Choosing actions from the states
“Above the Line”–Neutrality, Acceptance, Appreciation, Love, Joy, Peace—actually anchor us to those high and powerful levels of consciousness. In other words, not only do we create from our state, we can create our state by choosing our actions. This is true power, the realm of Creative Brain, where we can choose to live in wondrous flow. When we understand the technology of anchoring our actions to particular frequencies, those Above the Line, we open to ourselves and to all we can be.
Bringing this down to earth:
If I choose to give because I want to (not because I think I should, or because if I don’t someone will be upset) I’m the source of a certain frequency that I benefit from existing in. If you remember a time when you donated money or helped someone, you know what I mean. Called the “helpers’ high,” the act of giving fills us with endorphins, those feel-good hormones. However, what I’m describing goes beyond the simple math of “give=endorphins.” I’m suggesting that choosing to give is one more in a whole long list of actions to take to support you living Above the Line, in Creative Brain.
Here’s what I mean:
- Neutrality: When I choose a neutral story (“this is what is”) my body ultimately will relax, as it’s now existing in the truth of what is (versus resisting reality for some idea of what should be)
- Acceptance: When I accept life as it comes, I expand into the realm of Acceptance.
- Appreciation: If I choose to appreciate (for no good reason, just because I choose) my body will open to the level of Appreciation.
- And on we go, up The Line:
- Love: I choose the level of Love by consciously deciding to think of someone or something I love easily (Gay Hendricks’ powerful process). Instantly, I transport my body to the vastness of Love.
- Joy: I find and immerse myself In Joy by becoming fully present to this moment. (Add some speed to that shift by remembering the many details of other joyful times.)
- Peace is mine when I bring it through me to wish upon others. I give peace; I receive peace.
- In other words, Creative Brain is yours if you so choose, and you commit by repeatedly making it your choice. You can create your own peaceful heaven by choosing your inner experience, over and over and over.
Reorienting to the holidays, here are some ways you
can specifically apply these principles:
- As you decide how you want to spend your energies (what physical, emotional, creative, and energetic gifts you want to give), tune into your body. Do you feel happy and expanded with your choice?
- Is this an expression of you/your true self?
- Are you present, in real time, as you experience your giving?
- Do you feel connected with the one “receiving”? If not, what (unarguable) truth needs to be spoken so you can be present?
- What level of consciousness do you most want to experience? Tune into what that feels like in your body, and broadcast that frequency (through your words, your thoughts, your physical presence). Think of this as the gift wrap.
- Focus on your breathing and breathe into your heart as you give the gift.
The holidays can be a time to go unconscious by drinking and eating too much, swallowing your impulses and authenticity and grinding through. However, there is a potential for so much more. Taking time to presence yourself (over and over and over again), to speak your unarguable truth, and to choose the frequency you most want to experience, can make this time as miraculous as any holiday story. And that is something to truly celebrate.